Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I did not marry a roomba.
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