i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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