I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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