I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
