remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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