dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
