so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
