Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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