if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
