sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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