I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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