i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
