According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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