hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
