You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
