dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
No stitches, just platelets and will power
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
