I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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