the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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