I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize