dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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