She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
