I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
