in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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