Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
