Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
