Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
