angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
