Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
