does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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