were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
