I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
dude i'm inner monologue high
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
