Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
