dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
