He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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