do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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