I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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