How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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