My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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