I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I believe in your delicious
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
