These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize