So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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