I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
