he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Randomize
