I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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