An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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