all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
sarcasm needs its own font
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
We are two peas in an std pod
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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