How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
