people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
