i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
