she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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