I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
