Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
