when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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