Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
