you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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