Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
