i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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