Princesses don't give blow jobs
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
