he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
